Love -- it’s not about me

February 14th is Valentine’s day. And on this day we see red hearts, cards are exchanged, chocolates offered, to people whom we love. Yes, love. This raises the question, of course, “What do you mean by, love?”

There are many senses to “love.” Not all are “true” love; this is where people fall into love that is not true love.

The Ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, tells us friendship is a kind of love, and there are three kinds of friendship. Utilitarian, pleasure-based, and true friendship. Each of these presupposes that the other is something “good” for us, because what is good makes us happy. We “love” the good that makes us happy.

But the friendship distinction is important because it tells us what kinds of love exist, and if they are true love, or at least, the need to be purified from their imperfection.
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Utilitarian friendship is seeing the other as a good that is useful and therefore we “love” this person because in fact they are useful. We even hear the expression, “I feel used…” We then become like a took to others. This intuition or experience sends red signals that this is not the red heart we are expecting.

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Pleasure-based friendship is built on a relationship that brings pleasure, and with the absence of pleasure, this desired good is no longer fulfilled; and so comes the end of the friendship. Not really any different from utilitarian love. At best this is a highly defective form of love because it needs to be purified of its selfishness – and self-centredness..

That leaves us with another kind of love: friendship built on virtue. Such friendships are rare, as Aristotle says, but this true love is when both friends seek to build their relationship on virtue, thereby, seeking not so much their own happiness, but rather the good and happiness of the other. Love really centers on the other. True friendship, true love, is other-centered. Imagine, Aristotle, a Greek pagan can teach us what Christian love is:Jesus Christ brings this much further when Our Lord goes as far as saying that there is no greater love than to “give our lives for others” (John 15:13).

So, friendship that is focussed on “using” the other like a tool needs purification for it to be one built on true love. Love is more than needs being satisfied whether personal or erotic.
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Well, where does St. Valentine fit in all this. The 3rd century Roman martyr was known for preparing Christian couples for marriage. But in the midst of the imperial persecutions at the time, it was risky for both Christians, and for priests, celebrating the Sacrament of Marriage. St. Valentine wanted the married couples and persecuted Christians to experience love of Christ at the center of their lives and in their marriage bond. This is why St. Valentine is associated with a “heart”: the true love is the love of Christ for the other -- love that comes from the flaming heart of love. St. Valentine was finally executed. He died a martyr for others and his love for Christ.